Predictions for 2008

Let’s get right to it:

1. George Bush will put one down the pipe of Iran’s nuclear facilities and Vladimir Putin will praise the act with faint damnation. (Yes, yes, I know, the NIE says that Iran “stopped” their nuclear program in 2003, but George Bush and I both know that that is meaningless.)

2. Climatologists will note that Earth appears to be embarking on a serious cooling trend and speculation will begin as to whether a radical increase in greenhouse gas emissions might possibly prevent another ice age. Hollywood actors will begin purchasing SUVs by the six-pack to demonstrate their commitment.

3. The Chinese government will embrace the new cooling theory and say that it will heroically do all that it can to increase emissions in China, but insist that the West must continue to do more to fight global warming.

4. Several top United Nations bureaucrats will be linked to worldwide white slavery and child prostitution networks. No one but editors of The New York Times will be surprised.

5. A study will show that the publisher of The New York Times has the lowest IQ of any corporate executive in the world, but that he’s only in the bottom 25% of those working in the media.

6. In New Paltz, town supervisor Toni Hokanson will seriously annoy local Democrats and before the next election in 2009 she will be purged with even greater vigor than was her predecessor Don Wilen.

7. The circulation of the New Paltz Times will tank.

8. Former New Paltz mayor Jason West will be enrolled, again involuntarily, in yet another graduate level course in humility. Almost everyone will want him to pass the course this time, but no one will hold their breath.

9. Justin Holmes will open a wine bar in downtown New Paltz and hire Judith Reichler as a waitress.

10. As conditions in Iraq improve even more radically during the first half of 2008, Bill Clinton will claim that it was Hillary who presciently urged him to initiate the U.S. policy of promoting regime change there late in his presidency.

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