Impressions of the pretenders

Hate to see the 2008 campaign underway already but, alas, it is.

So here are some impressions of the leading candidates:

Democrats go first:

Hillary Clinton: Reminds me a lot of Hillary Clinton, only less interesting.

Barack Obama: The Democrat’s dumb blonde candidate.

John Edwards: Always prepared to give insincerity a bad name.

Joe Biden: A natural fraud.

Chris Dodd: No longer drinks enough to be interesting.

Dennis Kucinich: A congenital bellhop.

Bill Richardson: Bites his fingernails when he feels pressed (seen him do it).

Al Gore: Hillary’s only competition to be the first woman president (says he’s not running).

Wesley Clark: A Tom Eagleton protégé.

Tom Vilsack: I’m drawing a blank.

Now the Republicans:

John McCain: A case of prickly heat that lasts into the winter.

Rudy Giuliani: A good man debauched and disqualified by eight years of work in the circus.

Mitt Romney: A television game show host.

Sam Brownback: As dumb as a toad.

Newt Gingrich: Only 80 pounds to go and he’ll be William Howard Taft.

Duncan Hunter: Good man without a snowball’s chance in hell.

George Pataki: Couldn’t get himself arrested.

The terrible irony of 2008 is that there’s probably only one recognizable politician, with sufficient standing, who would make a decent president, and he can’t run because his brother is George Bush.

What the current situation suggests is that the nomination in both parties could be had by candidates who come from outside politics, but have name identification, personal appeal, and their wits about them. Is the United States so lacking in talent that no such individuals exist? It’s frightening, but at the moment I can’t think of a single name.

I’ll say one thing: Electing Hillary Clinton by default would constitute national suicide.

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