Some predictions for 2009

1. At some point during Joe Biden’s first few months as Vice President his Secret Service detail will have had enough and just toss Biden out of the limousine in heavy traffic, and drive away.

2. Bill Clinton will inherit a small oil-producing emirate on the Arabian peninsula, but the State Department will rule that it presents no conflict of interest for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

3. Three days after Barack Obama is inaugurated as President, White House Counsel Gregory Craig will announce that his internal investigation has found that there will be no ethical lapses throughout the Obama presidency. “We’ve looked at this very carefully and it’s just not possible that there will be any,” Craig will say.

4. Here in New Paltz, school superintendent Maria Rice will insist on holding off on the creation of a girls synchronized swimming team because of state education budget cuts. “Our girls need this sport, they really do,” Rice will say, wiping tears from her eyes, “but these tough times and the unreasonable demands of No Child Left Behind that our students learn how to read and do math make it necessary for us to sacrifice.”

5. During a speech on “The College and the Community,” SUNY New Paltz president Steven Poskanzer will announce that cans of his own shit will be placed on display in the lobby of the Haggerty Administration Building and that over the course of the next year a can will be delivered to each family in New Paltz so that everyone in the community will understand the high regard Poskanzer has for them.

6. Following the lead of New Paltz Times columnist Ed Flynn, more writers for the paper will come right out and praise it as the finest and most heroic weekly since the invention of newsprint.

7. Caroline Kennedy will defend her appointment to Hillary Clinton’s vacated Senate seat by asking the rhetorical question, “Is it possible to be too rich or too thin to serve in the U.S. Senate?”

8. Barack Obama, continuing his immersion in All Things Clinton, will add Monica Lewinsky to the National Security Council staff. “Next to Hillary Clinton herself,” he will say in defense of the appointment, “no one had a better grasp of the plumbing in the Clinton White House than Monica.”

9. With the blessing of Zsa Zsa herself, Arianna Huffington will officially change her name to Arianya Gabor.

10. Hillary Clinton will move the State Department headquarters to Beijing but reassure the American people that she will maintain an embassy in the United States.

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